Tuesday, January 5, 2010

Balance. Beam.

I think every house has a "sweet spot," a place where the light and the space and the feel is just right. it draws you in. For me, our house's sweet spot is our bedroom, where I wake up every morning, the soft light from the skylights filtering in as the sun rises, and the color of the day is breaking through the trees. The light moves around the room in these incredible rectangles throughout the day, and sometimes I follow it, like a cat, moving my laptop around to catch its warmth as I work. Sweet. Spot.

Anyway, the real thing driving me to write this morning is that I had a full-on taste of that elusive thing called balance last night, and it filled me with joy and wonder and I wanted to catalog it and reflect on it in hopes of getting more of it.

See, yesterday was the first full day back at work, and you could probably tell I was dreading it a little. Last semester just felt so unsatisfying, and I was having all sorts of doubts about my abilities and whether this career was really what I wanted and even wondering if I (and my colleagues and students) wouldn't be better off if I figured all this out and stayed home (or something). I felt torn up over it.

But then, this: I worked a good day yesterday, got some good things done (even with Addie around) and felt reasonably pleased with the whole thing. Addie and I picked Nolie up, Eric made it home in time for dinner (taco night--yum) and then, I worked.

For an hour.

It didn't feel stressful. I didn't feel like I took time away from anyone (myself or my family). I didn't loathe doing it. I got to put my girls to bed, do yoga, and knit. And I got a lot done in that hour. Work shifted from being in the unmanageable failure category to the I-think-I-can-do-this category.

The thing now is to figure out if I can do this, if not every night, most nights, and if it will continue to make the same difference. Will it be the difference between me feeling behind at work and able to cope? Will the work time start to bleed into the family time and I'll feel off-kilter again?

Whatever. I'll figure it out. But it felt good, let me tell you, to have such a significant part of my life not feel so, I don't know, in limbo. Such a drain. It was a weight lifted, that's for sure.

1 comment:

  1. I love those days where everything is perfectly balanced.