Tuesday, April 8, 2014


Now that we're under contract in Boise and under contract here, it's a little like I'm seeing things in color again.  In lots of ways, things feel totally vertiginous and out of control--I'm buried under assignments that need to be graded and manuscripts to evaluate and proposals to figure out.  I'm doing real estate like it's my job and trying to get to the gym and to the girls' performances and travel every other minute.  The mental gob of trying to figure out how and when to say goodbye to so many people and this life, and remember that I'm still me after we leave, is totally overwhelming.   It doesn't all just go away and the hours completely evaporate before me.  Every day.

But I'm seeing things in color again.  The sunset over Coors Field last night, the feeling of drinking a beer outside.  I mean, it was freezing!  I was exhausted, and had to get up early this morning.  But the experience was like the slightest whiff of spring, and it was beautiful, and I could relax into it for a minute.

Or today.  It's been the longest day and I still have to watch a movie for class tonight yet, but it's dark and quiet in the house and there's a candle burning and I get to watch movies for work.  That's cool.  I can appreciate that.  There is also the fact that I didn't really need tights today because it's warming up, and there's a lone cherry blossom peeking out of the deadish gray branch outside my window.  There's knowing that soon we will be a little bit settled, and there might be some room to create and move and not just react.  I'm seeing all of that again, and I'm really grateful.

Because it's been kind of a long slog, you know?  There was the business with me and E. last year, and then the downward spiral at work, and then the do-we-move-to-Boise thing, and the interviewing, and the deciding, and the selling houses and buying houses, all while trying to be a not-too-damaging parent and colleague and the barest bones friend.  And knowing there's lots more "excitement" to come.  God.  It's something.

But the colors.  I'm glad they're back.