Monday, July 22, 2013

A Bedtime Story

Once, there was this gal, and she had to go to Europe for a week for work.  Back at home, this gal was married with two kids and two dogs, and had a nice house with a dog door in it.  It was a very nice family, and a pretty nice house.

The dogs were cute.

But a little dumb.

About ten feet from the dog door was a compost pile.  This gal liked to try things like composting, because she suffers from eco-guilt regarding everything she and her family consumes and throws away, being modern Americans and all.

Anyway, one night in Europe, this gal gets up early in the morning to find a text from her husband, saying that he is freaking out because he went downstairs in the middle of the night to let the dogs outside, and he found this:

See, the raccoon had come in through the dog door, because it likes eating out of the gal's compost pile, and because it had been raining real hard, and the dog door promised warmth and perhaps more food.  While the gal's husband and dogs were sleeping, the raccoon had come in the house, climbed up the blinds, and was now perched on top of the window, with one of its incredibly creepy little fingers attempting to get the vent open, so that it could live in the gal's vent system and ruin her drywall with its babies, urine, and feces.

Also, the gal needs to dust the top of the lamp.

That is nose drool on the ceiling.

The funny thing is, the dogs didn't wake up because there was a raccoon in their house.  Nope.  They just happened to need to pee.  So the gal's husband got up in the middle of the night to let them out, in the pitch dark, and just happened to hear something panting above him in the dark of the night.  He fumbled with the lamp, the one hanging right by our friend the raccoon, and when he finally got it on, he found our friend.

He almost pooped his pants.  That is a direct quote.

Here is the seemingly rabid, drooling raccoon.  Which is the size of a toddler.

The gal's husband finally shooed the raccoon out of the gal's house, and now the gal and her family make sure to lock the dog door every night.  The gal's husband had a hard time sleeping that night, for sure, and the gal threw up in her mouth a few times, all the way over in Europe, at the thought of this giant raccoon in her house, thousands of miles away.

The end.


  1. Just one wee question: Why did the husband have to let the dogs out to pee if they had a dog door that obs worked for the raccoon?

    Also, I love the combo of eco-guilt on behalf of nature, plus disgust for actual nature in the form of clever, industrious raccoon.

    This cracked me up. Had to read aloud to Pogo. Thanks all.


  2. Because, duh, the dogs are too stupid to go OUT the dog door. They only come IN it. And obviously I want the raccoons to have place to live, but on top of my blinds is not it. :)

  3. A lovely, clever racoon. One of these days I'll tell you about the possum I found on my pillow one night when my Jimmie was gone. Yikes!