Joy = Having time to journal this morning, on Mark Nepo's amazing daybook The Book of Awakening. Key excerpt:
Feeling unworthy or insecure, we create a goal, in hopes that achieving this will make us feel good about ourselves. Then we're off scheming for success, preparing against failure, stirring the water, hoping it will go clear.
All the while, the very deep resources of heart and spirit are being misapplied. Isn't this how we launch into careers that don't really call us? Isn't this how we enter relationships that really don't embrace us? Isn't this how we sometimes bring children into the world, hoping they will help us go clear?
The mind is a spider that, if allowed, will tangle everything and then blame the things it clings to for the web it wants to be free of. I have done this with dreams of greatness and hopes of love, wanting so badly to see myself clearly in the water, while I kept stirring and stirring. Perhaps the hardest thing I've learned, and still struggle with, is that I don't have to be finished in order to be whole.
We spent the day in some leisurely spring cleaning, aided by strong coffee from the french press. We finally tackled the garage and were able to take a carload to the thrift store. Milo drove.
The girls can access their toys and bikes, the wood is piled neatly, and we both know where tools are. It's not gorgeous, but man is it better. I did the same in the studio, carting out some furniture that was just crowding things up and making me feel anxious.
This freed up some space to finish piecing my first quilt-ish item together:
It's not just the angle of the picture--the thing is pretty lopsided. I didn't measure or plan. I just cut up nearly all the rags in my rag bins into rectangles and sewed them together. There was backing material at the thrift store for $3 today, and I had some batting, so it's together now and ready for some topstitching. It's extra cozy and will make a good couch quilt for the girls' Saturday morning cartoons.
Nolie had a very big weekend with a sleepover last night at her best friend Sophie's house for Sophie's fifth birthday! (I've cropped Sophie out here in case her parents don't want her adorable image splattered all over the web without their permission. I wish I could show it, because the side-by-side of them sleeping together is uber-adorable. You'll have to take my word for it).
Amazingly, Nolie actually fell asleep there and was able to spend the whole night. I was reasonably certain we would get the call to come get her at around 10 when she completely devolved into an emotional wreck, unable to sleep. But it didn't happen. She fell asleep late, but she fell asleep.
Big, big, big girl stuff.
Then, to cap her best day ever, today she got to go to another friend's birthday party at the Young Chef's Academy, where all the party-goers got to make and eat their own pizzas.
Not only did Nolie eat her pizza, but she didn't even pull the cheese off like she normally does. She said she liked it because it tasted like her Uncle Chris's and Auntie TT's pizza, and not like Mama's.
Chef Nolie is very excited to be a chef, and made us all "banana dippers" for dessert when we got home (sliced bananas with a smidge of Hershey's for dipping).
The great thing was that this day didn't feel rushed or harried or crazed. We did what we felt like, we took care of our business, we moved slow. And look at what happened! Amazing what can occur when you don't stir that water.