I've been a way for a while. This has been an interesting period of transition for me, and I just haven't been compelled to write much. I'm not even journalling, and I've been a fairly compulsive journalista for a long time now.
I'm not even sure how to make sense of it or describe it, and it doesn't feel like a big deal, even though some of the changes are major. Like the remaking of my relationship to retail and sugar. That's pretty major. Like the commitment to running, and discovering this new world of racing, which is really fun. That's new, too. Deepening my relationship to God; carving out a somewhat new identity at work, in this last year before the tenure review; trying to show up in a more conscious way in all aspects of my life. Voicing how I'm feeling to Eric. Being patient with my need for down time.
All of this is rushing in.
Here is what has rushed out: shopping. Ice cream (at least in the same quantities as before). Shoving down anger or frustration. Not asking for what I need. Compulsively writing. Compulsively sewing.
Here's an example. I'm reading this little book called The Joyful Professor. Which is great. I really like it. The author asks you to take an inventory of yourself using a list she provides. One of the things I realized from doing that exercise is that I'm someone who likes being on the edge of too busy. This doesn't seem like a big deal, right? And also, duh! You all knew that about me a long time ago. But realizing that I'm the one who chooses to be on the edge of too busy, and that I like things that way, relieves some stress. It reminds me that I'm the one who invites this very full life in, because that's how I thrive. It reminds me I'm not a victim to others' demands on me. And it's a way of thinking about things such that I can manage which pieces are bringing me energy (starting new things I'm passionate about) and which don't (projects that aren't speaking to my real interests).
I'm not saying things are perfect. They never are, though I realize I've spent a whoooole lot of my life trying to make them seem that way.
I'm just saying: Hello. I'm here. I'm thinking through all this. I'm in a period of transition. Thanks for standing by.