Hive 12

Another summer trip to Logan Canyon.  I was alive and functioning but still pretty grief-y.  I was worried about getting trained up for the long relay in August, though, and when I'm with my writing Hive (Utah is the beehive state) we work and then we play.  So we made some hikes.

There were times I felt like I couldn't breathe, that my legs wouldn't work, that I might collapse in sadness and shame.

But my friends just accepted all of that, and we took one step at a time, and made it up the mountain.  We sat on a rock and took it in, able to look straight down into the canyon below.  It would have been so easy to fall.  But I didn't.

What is the meaning of this someone tell me please.

E, Mid-

I think he's holding one of my seaweed snacks there.  I'm sort of obsessed with them.  And with nuts.  And with slaw salads with rice vinegar, soy sauce, and sesame oil.  And fruit.  And hummus.

Good foods.

Good E.

LongTooth McFangyfang

You guys, Nolie lost her first tooth.

Well, sort of.

See, she was getting a big tooth growing up out of her gums but her little tooth hadn't fallen out yet.  So when we took her in for her dental check-up with the awesomely named Dr. Ngo (pronounced Dr. No!) who is also preternaturally cheerful, Dr. Ngo said they were going to have to pull that tooth out.

What the heck, Nolie.  We can't even see the double-tooth action in this shot.

They gave the Noles some laughing gas,

Yes, I am the weird mom always taking pictures of her children in their moments of greatest strife.

and they yanked the thing out.

Can I tell you I'm kind of grossed out?  Because they handed me the tooth and it is shaped like some sort of fang.  Like, it's twice as long as Addie's baby teeth were.  I checked when I got home and literally Nolie's tooth is twice as long as Addie's were.  LITERALLY.

I told my friend at work about it and he said that the root of Nolie's tooth just hadn't disintegrated like it was supposed to.  So now I'm very anxious that Nolie has a mouth full of stubborn roots that will never disintegrate and every tooth will have to get pulled and I'll have a collection of fangs.

Or the tooth fairy will.  Whatever.  You know what I mean.

Also, Nolie's lip looks gross in that picture.  What the hell.

I love kids but they are just totally like little beasts sometimes.

Deer

Saw this guy on a long run this summer.

There were three more in my parking lot on campus last week.  Two took off as soon as I pulled in, but another stayed munching for a while, then stilled, and we had some long moments of eye contact before I finally pulled away and headed to class.

I still think it's magical to see these guys, even though they are so common this time of year, especially as so many animals are seeking food following this long drought and the upcoming winter.

The rain falls today and feels both foreign and a blessing.

Well, I'm back.

You knew I would be.

I just missed writing here.

I'm not ready or can't or won't write too much about the apocalypse here.  Or maybe I will.  I don't know yet.

Either way, I had to come back.

I posted a whole bunch of short posts but accidentally posted them on the old blog.  I'm a maniac that way.

You can find them here

and here

and here

and here

and here.

There's also this one and this one and this one and, this one and, finally, this one.

And maybe one more here.

Mostly I'll just be posting here, when I post.  See you around.

Farewell

Ah, friends.  I think this blog is about six years old or so.  Must be, since I started writing it after Nolie's birth, and next month, she turns six.  Unbelievable.

Every August, I have these blog posts printed into a book.  I read some of the old entries to the kids at night; others I don't.  But someday I hope they will read the books, and know how much they are loved, and maybe know me a little better.

But at this moment, I think it is time to end toddlerspit.  We are going through what my friend Helen calls a domestic apocalypse, and not being able to write about my whole self makes it hard to write at all.  There is a possibility we may make it through and stay together; it is equally possible we will not.  Either way, I want to be honest with you, to lay bare all of my fears and worries, ugly as they are, and yet can't betray confidences and details of what I am going through.  Not being real, though, does more harm than good, to me and to you.

I accept your well wishes, and concern, and love as I write this.  I know you are sending it our way.

Maybe there will be another blog in the future; maybe I will write a book; maybe I will just journal my way through this.  I don't know.  I have to let things happen as they will in that regard.

But I do know that writing this blog, and knowing that you have read it, and seen me a little better, and commented and supported and laughed and cried with me, has made me a better and more complete person.  Thank you for joining me on this ride.

Love,
Jen