It's remarkable how easily I forget that I'm free, you know? I mean, for a while there, I was really stuck in the grind, and was carrying on as if I had to be stuck in the grind, and in one particular grind specifically.
My friend T. got me a gift certificate for a massage for my birthday, and I just yesterday cashed in on it. I'd been working a problem over in my head all week, hoping to see the truth, knowing I was in the muck, and that it was a productive muck, but with no idea how it would all be resolved. And then, as the massage therapist was working out the knots in my back, it all became incredibly clear. I am free, and can disentangle myself from the other knots--the metaphorical ones--I had got myself caught up in. And I actually laughed during the massage, and thanked the therapist for getting those darn knots free.
Funny how the entrapments were tied up in my back like that. Funny how the three extra pounds I'd magically put on this semester and couldn't seem to shake just disappeared after. Funny how the heaviness in my legs left and I was able to feel gratitude again.
I picked up Nolie at school early the other day, and there were still a few little kids sleeping on their cots, while their classmates and teachers were busily and noisily milling all about, doing their work, playing together. They were like little oases in a sea of cheerful chaos.
Another useful metaphor. To be a little island, still, amid the swirling blue. Entering the chaos upon waking, and returning to peace when necessary.
Forgive the generalizations and allusions. It's not easy to write about work and my relationship to it in specifics here. I hope I've made some sort of sense. The freedom is the main thing, the knowing I wasn't trapped, didn't even realize I had felt so trapped, until the way became clear.
Grace and grace.