where to go

Oh, goodness.  It has been a trying few weeks.  When things are going particularly well or are particularly difficult I tend not to show up here, as you know.  The trick is always where to begin, how much to share, where to go.

So I'll just come right out and say it:  E. and I have been having some trouble, and it has felt very serious, and has occupied most of my extra mental and emotional energy.  I think we're through the worst of it now, but it felt a whole lot like a burning and endless inferno while we were in it.  I won't share too many details here, but will say a few things, simply because I think this part of marriages usually remains hidden, and then we as a whole have some false ideas about what conflict or pain in marriages looks like. That doesn't do anyone any good, keeping all that so scary and invisible.

Without getting too particular, I'll say that I think we just had some entrenched patterns of dealing with each other, which looked an awful lot like four-year-olds fighting in the sandbox (you hurt my feelings!  well, you threw sand at me!) and as those misunderstandings grew more embedded in our interactions, and we got busier and busier, and just struggled to deal with all the everydays, the gap between us just kept getting wider and wider.  Then you wake up one day and look at the other person and wonder who are you and what are you doing in my bed.

On top of this, for me at least, is the shame of feeling like I wasn't getting this whole marriage thing "right."  That I didn't know how to fix it.  That it was maybe lost and that I was going to have to pitch everything in and start over.  The thought of that felt like being thrown screaming into a chasm of despair.  Yes, sometimes you have to go through hell to get reborn.  But also sometimes if something feels like hell it means you're going at it the wrong way.  Apparently, for me, the thought of the dissolution of my marriage is most definitely the wrong way.

So we are in it, and we are seeing each other again with some fresh eyes, and taking some special care.  We screw up a lot, too.  It's slow going, forwards and backwards.  I spontaneously burst into tears a lot.  I'm forgetful.  I walk around with a Stepford smile on because how the fuck do you explain what's going on with this kind of thing?  It terrifies people, to talk about marriage troubles.  It especially terrifies married people.  You might as well scrape your leper lesions all over them--they feel like marriage trouble might be catching.  They want you to keep your leprosy quiet, all covered over with calamine lotion even as your skin is falling to the floor.

Okay, enough of that particular metaphor.

I'm just saying, it's hard to talk about, and even harder to make sense of.  I'm real sure we are going to be fine, but this has been the least fun I've had in a long time.  Sometimes I can't show up to blog, or to parties, or to a normal conversation with you because of it.  I think I am exuding a sense of lost despair, too, as people seem to be giving me a wide berth.

That's okay.  I'm not good company right at the moment.  I see equilibrium on an island over yonder, hanging out, waiting for me.  I'm headed there.  But for now it's all choppy seas and barf bags.