Man. Can you tell the first few weeks of the semester have been kicking me in the ass? Add to the last few crazy posts, this: I actually forgot to prep a class yesterday. Walked in with the wrong video and no homework assignment. My students think I'm NUTS. Yikes.
Then, a long talk with N., (and reading her post here) and I feel better. What came of that: sometimes, when you think you need to work more, it pays to work less. I think of the Dalai Lama (yes, again--sorry), who says that when he has a particularly hectic day ahead of him, he meditates twice as long.
In other words, it's not always about how much time you put in, but what kind of energy you put in. Easy to forget this.
So instead of being miserable and stressed and trying to get through a stack of grading last night, the girls and I pulled a picnic out onto the lawn, and I laid on a beanbag, letting all the angst flow out of my body, while they crawled all around me and gave me kisses (and kneed me in the groin--but who's noticing?). I had a good, long phone conversation with a friend after the girls went down. Finished a little embroidery. Watched a little crap on t.v. Read my most recent issue of Orion.
And, this morning before work, took a little time to sit out on my deck and soak up some sun. Just a few minutes, but all the difference in the world to my day.
Energy, more than time.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
The Mean Boys
I'm putting Nolie down tonight, and she's all quiet like she's getting ready to nod off. Then she says, "Mama? No boys like me."
"What?"
"No boys like me. Those boys won't play with me."
"Well, Owen loves you. And Neal. And Daddy," I lamely add.
"Yes, that's true. But no MEAN boys like me. They won't play with me."
"Oh," I say. "You don't have to play with them, then. You just play with the girls you like, okay?"
"Okay."
And off to sleep she goes.
Those stupid mean boys.
All readers who have boys: your boys are excluded, of course. They're not mean. So go easy in the comments.
"What?"
"No boys like me. Those boys won't play with me."
"Well, Owen loves you. And Neal. And Daddy," I lamely add.
"Yes, that's true. But no MEAN boys like me. They won't play with me."
"Oh," I say. "You don't have to play with them, then. You just play with the girls you like, okay?"
"Okay."
And off to sleep she goes.
Those stupid mean boys.
All readers who have boys: your boys are excluded, of course. They're not mean. So go easy in the comments.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Guilty Admissions
You won't find this on the crafty mama blogs. This is not about my latest embroidery project, or picking organic berries, or doing papier mache.
It's the guilty admissions of when I'm a horrible parent, a terrible mama, and want to just throw up my hands and give up on the whole thing.
Like, how Addie somehow made it all the way to kindergarten today, wearing a dress, with no underwear on, and we got an email from her teacher. That wicked pit in my stomach: because I was too hasty getting out of the house this morning, my kid might have gotten teased or something at school. Geez.
Or, following a dinner party conversation a few nights ago, I thought it would be a brilliant idea to try to have both girls sleep in the same room. EVEN THOUGH Addie is an introvert and really needs her quiet time and alone space and EVEN THOUGH Nolie cannot sleep with other people yet and gets too excited and can't stop shaking all over when she's not in her own room at night. But I wouldn't give up! I yelled and threatened and cajoled both of them to JUST PLEASE FREAKING GO TO SLEEP NOW last night before finally squeezing back the tears and having Eric drag Nolie's bed back to her room. Eric shaking his head at my insanity.
Or, how I've had rough words with Eric lately in front of the girls.
Or, how I sometimes struggle to find even a little kind word, and my kids are so little, and innocent, and precious, and I wonder what in the world hardened my icy heart so that I can't see them, how important and dear and wonderful they are, and instead get mean and small.
And then wonder why they are mean and small to each other.
And then wonder what I would do if there were a few more hours in the day so that I didn't feel quite so stretched and could be a better mama and a happier person and not quite so cranky.
Now. How to make that happen?
It's the guilty admissions of when I'm a horrible parent, a terrible mama, and want to just throw up my hands and give up on the whole thing.
Like, how Addie somehow made it all the way to kindergarten today, wearing a dress, with no underwear on, and we got an email from her teacher. That wicked pit in my stomach: because I was too hasty getting out of the house this morning, my kid might have gotten teased or something at school. Geez.
Or, following a dinner party conversation a few nights ago, I thought it would be a brilliant idea to try to have both girls sleep in the same room. EVEN THOUGH Addie is an introvert and really needs her quiet time and alone space and EVEN THOUGH Nolie cannot sleep with other people yet and gets too excited and can't stop shaking all over when she's not in her own room at night. But I wouldn't give up! I yelled and threatened and cajoled both of them to JUST PLEASE FREAKING GO TO SLEEP NOW last night before finally squeezing back the tears and having Eric drag Nolie's bed back to her room. Eric shaking his head at my insanity.
Or, how I've had rough words with Eric lately in front of the girls.
Or, how I sometimes struggle to find even a little kind word, and my kids are so little, and innocent, and precious, and I wonder what in the world hardened my icy heart so that I can't see them, how important and dear and wonderful they are, and instead get mean and small.
And then wonder why they are mean and small to each other.
And then wonder what I would do if there were a few more hours in the day so that I didn't feel quite so stretched and could be a better mama and a happier person and not quite so cranky.
Now. How to make that happen?
Monday, September 7, 2009
Someone has a new
haircut! Isn't it adorable? And somehow, it's as if she was supposed to have this haircut all along. She's just more her this way. Little bug.
Little Play
I found these embroidery canvases at the thrift store this summer, and traced some of the girls' artwork onto them, then embroidered over them. The top one is Addie's (an elephant) and the bottom one is one of the crazy bubble people Nolie always draws--they make me happy. So now these are in our living room.
Other than this little project: Nothing and everything to report. I've somehow let myself get too busy, again, again, and yet also have afternoons where everything feels quiet, and the girls and I have a little play, imagining time, and rest in the hammock, waiting for Eric to get home. I have days where I wish I didn't have to work, and days where I think I have the best job in the world. Days where I think I'm on top of it, days in the riptide. You know: life.
Still find myself seeking out moments of quiet. Checking in with the still small voice. The bit of flame within, unwavering. All that jazz.
In practical terms: make a short to-do list each day. Finish it, then on to other things
breathing
mantras
sewing
sitting
watching movies
hugging Eric
cuddling the girls.
Trying not to forget, trying not to compare.
Other than this little project: Nothing and everything to report. I've somehow let myself get too busy, again, again, and yet also have afternoons where everything feels quiet, and the girls and I have a little play, imagining time, and rest in the hammock, waiting for Eric to get home. I have days where I wish I didn't have to work, and days where I think I have the best job in the world. Days where I think I'm on top of it, days in the riptide. You know: life.
Still find myself seeking out moments of quiet. Checking in with the still small voice. The bit of flame within, unwavering. All that jazz.
In practical terms: make a short to-do list each day. Finish it, then on to other things
breathing
mantras
sewing
sitting
watching movies
hugging Eric
cuddling the girls.
Trying not to forget, trying not to compare.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
No Biggie
I've been having some good conversations with friends lately about the whole switch-to-vegan thing. The responses have ranged from support to questioning to dismay. I think this whole issue of how you eat and what you eat is a pretty big deal these days. There is such a spectrum of possibilities, and each position on the spectrum seems to be tied up with so many other issues and identities. Specially for us middle-class white folks.
So, I'm writing this post not in defense of my decision to eat vegan-ish (vegan-like?) but just to explore what led to my decision four years ago to become a vegetarian, and now to go a step even beyond that. As I think about it, the whole thing has a lot less to do with idealism than with pragmatism. You can decide.
The decision to become a vegetarian--smackdab in the middle of my pregnancy with Nolie--was a pretty easy one. Both pregnancies had soured me on eating pork or chicken (I could look at an uncooked chicken breast and totally vomit), except in their very worst forms: I craved McDonald's chicken nuggets and Home Depot hot dogs. In a big way. The smell of both nuggets and hot dogs, to this day, still makes me drool (yum!). And, of course, Eric and I ate plenty of steak. We would get one of those six-pack of Costco flank steaks and just go AFTER it. I grew up in Idaho, yeah? So eating meat there is like breathing air--you just DO it. You don't even think about it.
But I'm pretty health-conscious, too, and I knew that the meats I really enjoyed (chicken nugs, hot dogs, and steak) weren't that good for me, and certainly weren't good to eat very frequently. Actually, most meats aren't that great for you. And, right about that same time, MorningStar came out with a whole bunch of yummy (for once) vegetarian products that could be sauced up and made to taste pretty good. There was still fish and eggs, too, which seemed to offer good health benefits and could be purchased in an environmentally friendly way (maybe).
At the same time, my research was taking me into the field of Environmental Communication and climate change. I knew about the research showing that most meat production and consumption has pretty devastating impacts on our environment. So, even though you can buy organic or free-range meats, it seemed, generally, to be easier to just give up the meat. And, I didn't miss it, so why not give it up? No harm done by not eating it.
It helps, I think, that I haven't been agro about the no-meat thing. If I accidentally order something at a restaurant that has "meat-bits" (like in a soup) or if Eric makes a mostly-veggie recipe but uses a little chicken broth, no biggie. If I forget to tell the host of a dinner party I'm a vegetarian, no big deal. I just eat around this stuff. My kids eat turkey dogs and pepperoni pizza now and then. And I do not give a whit what you put in your pie-hole. I don't think of this as "cheating," maybe because I don't think of vegetarianism as being about "rules." I just want to be practical in a world in which most people around me eat meat.
Basically, what I'm trying to say, is that there was a kind of growing body of evidence to suggest that I would: 1) feel better 2) be trimmer, and 3) not be doing as much environmental harm if I gave up something that I didn't really enjoy that much anyway. And all that turned out to be true. I just trusted my body and my head to figure things out.
The vegan thing happened pretty much the same way. If someone had told me two months ago I was going to give up cheese, I would have snorted cheez-whiz out my nose laughing so hard. But, then, a critical number of factors came into play: 1) I read The China Study, which pretty convincingly argues that there are very negative health affects that stem from consuming animal protein 2) I gained a bunch of weight this summer that I couldn't lose, even when I upped my exercise 3) I discovered the joys of coconut milk and its derivatives (coconut yogurt and the most amazing treat of all, coconut ice cream).
I thought I was allergic to soy--remember the migraines--but I'm going to a new doctor who is fairly convinced my sinuses are to blame. He put me back on a kick-ass allergy pill (and it does kick my ass. Zyrtec is like an insane sleeping pill) and, voila, I'm feeling much better. Still eating soy (and coconut), but no headaches yet.
So. There it is. No big political statement. No judgments about animal cruelty (though I do like animals). I still have the occasional bite of cheese, and I will gladly hold your leather jacket for you while you head into the bathroom to pee. I'm mostly motivated by a hedonistic impulse to want to feel healthy, energetic, trim, and like I'm decreasing my impact on the environment a wee little bit). Eating vegan has helped with all of these things. I don't have my afternoon sleepies anymore, I've lost some fat, and in general, I just feel better.
And here's the shocker: I don't miss the cheese. I don't know how this is possible, but it is.
If you can feel happy and energetic and good eating your turkey leg and philly cheese steak, more power to you. I love your meat-eating self. Maybe we can share some coconut ice cream afterwards :).
So, I'm writing this post not in defense of my decision to eat vegan-ish (vegan-like?) but just to explore what led to my decision four years ago to become a vegetarian, and now to go a step even beyond that. As I think about it, the whole thing has a lot less to do with idealism than with pragmatism. You can decide.
The decision to become a vegetarian--smackdab in the middle of my pregnancy with Nolie--was a pretty easy one. Both pregnancies had soured me on eating pork or chicken (I could look at an uncooked chicken breast and totally vomit), except in their very worst forms: I craved McDonald's chicken nuggets and Home Depot hot dogs. In a big way. The smell of both nuggets and hot dogs, to this day, still makes me drool (yum!). And, of course, Eric and I ate plenty of steak. We would get one of those six-pack of Costco flank steaks and just go AFTER it. I grew up in Idaho, yeah? So eating meat there is like breathing air--you just DO it. You don't even think about it.
But I'm pretty health-conscious, too, and I knew that the meats I really enjoyed (chicken nugs, hot dogs, and steak) weren't that good for me, and certainly weren't good to eat very frequently. Actually, most meats aren't that great for you. And, right about that same time, MorningStar came out with a whole bunch of yummy (for once) vegetarian products that could be sauced up and made to taste pretty good. There was still fish and eggs, too, which seemed to offer good health benefits and could be purchased in an environmentally friendly way (maybe).
At the same time, my research was taking me into the field of Environmental Communication and climate change. I knew about the research showing that most meat production and consumption has pretty devastating impacts on our environment. So, even though you can buy organic or free-range meats, it seemed, generally, to be easier to just give up the meat. And, I didn't miss it, so why not give it up? No harm done by not eating it.
It helps, I think, that I haven't been agro about the no-meat thing. If I accidentally order something at a restaurant that has "meat-bits" (like in a soup) or if Eric makes a mostly-veggie recipe but uses a little chicken broth, no biggie. If I forget to tell the host of a dinner party I'm a vegetarian, no big deal. I just eat around this stuff. My kids eat turkey dogs and pepperoni pizza now and then. And I do not give a whit what you put in your pie-hole. I don't think of this as "cheating," maybe because I don't think of vegetarianism as being about "rules." I just want to be practical in a world in which most people around me eat meat.
Basically, what I'm trying to say, is that there was a kind of growing body of evidence to suggest that I would: 1) feel better 2) be trimmer, and 3) not be doing as much environmental harm if I gave up something that I didn't really enjoy that much anyway. And all that turned out to be true. I just trusted my body and my head to figure things out.
The vegan thing happened pretty much the same way. If someone had told me two months ago I was going to give up cheese, I would have snorted cheez-whiz out my nose laughing so hard. But, then, a critical number of factors came into play: 1) I read The China Study, which pretty convincingly argues that there are very negative health affects that stem from consuming animal protein 2) I gained a bunch of weight this summer that I couldn't lose, even when I upped my exercise 3) I discovered the joys of coconut milk and its derivatives (coconut yogurt and the most amazing treat of all, coconut ice cream).
I thought I was allergic to soy--remember the migraines--but I'm going to a new doctor who is fairly convinced my sinuses are to blame. He put me back on a kick-ass allergy pill (and it does kick my ass. Zyrtec is like an insane sleeping pill) and, voila, I'm feeling much better. Still eating soy (and coconut), but no headaches yet.
So. There it is. No big political statement. No judgments about animal cruelty (though I do like animals). I still have the occasional bite of cheese, and I will gladly hold your leather jacket for you while you head into the bathroom to pee. I'm mostly motivated by a hedonistic impulse to want to feel healthy, energetic, trim, and like I'm decreasing my impact on the environment a wee little bit). Eating vegan has helped with all of these things. I don't have my afternoon sleepies anymore, I've lost some fat, and in general, I just feel better.
And here's the shocker: I don't miss the cheese. I don't know how this is possible, but it is.
If you can feel happy and energetic and good eating your turkey leg and philly cheese steak, more power to you. I love your meat-eating self. Maybe we can share some coconut ice cream afterwards :).
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Upcycle: More Faux Velvet Edition
'Nother upcycle. Made from 'nother old formal. I know it's not for everyone, but melikes.
Photo, courtesy Addie.
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