Things I've come to believe about marriage.

1.  There are no good, believable messages about how marriage really is anywhere in our culture.  Except maybe on Modern Family.  This fact makes me hate things like the "Defense of Marriage Act" even more than you could know.  And it also makes me think that anybody anywhere should get married if they want so they could know how fucked up and crazy and useful it is for certain things.

2.  Comparing your marriage to someone else's marriage is a bad, bad idea, because everyone, and I mean everyone, is fucked up or compromised in some way that they will never, ever let you see.  I am not being cynical.  This is just the truth.  Because the only creatures getting married are humans, which means marriage is human, which means marriage is as fucked up as we are.  And we are all fucked up in some way.  Good marriages, I think, just figure out how to work their way through the fucked-up-ness with honesty.

3.  I was pretty sure I was happily married for the last ten years or so.  I really wasn't so happy.  I'm guessing some of you saw this and now are like, "duh," but I didn't really get it in a conscious way.  Then our marriage exploded, and we've been gluing pieces back together into some strange postmodern sculpture that is a lot more about truth than beauty and I finally feel happy.  I love that old chick flick How to Make an American Quilt.  There are these scenes where a woman throws all of her beloved knick-knacks and trinkets at her philandering husband and then putties all of the pieces on to the wall in a jagged pastiche.  The breaking and the rebuilding give her her freedom back.  She sings again.

4.  I'm happy for now.  Next year may be different.  And then I may get happy again.  There are bad times in marriage and good times and it's hard to know which kind you're in sometimes.  Sometimes you need help.  I need lots of help because I have spent a long time not using my voice in a good way.

5.  E. is not a philanderer.  Maybe you are thinking that, but you are thinking wrong.  You are wondering and wondering and trying to fit what happened to us into a box that explains things, but there is no box.  It's too big and complex and simple and obvious for all of that.

6.  Therapy, and lots of it, is the only reason I'm still married right now, and is why I'm happy in my marriage.  E. showed up in a big way in the therapist's office.  That would have been a dealbreaker if he hadn't.

7.  Watching t.v. together in bed is good.

Beasties

Milo Circles

Every morning Milo walks the perimeter of our bed about 25 times with this ball in his mouth.  He uses it to knock our coffee mugs out of our hands so that we spill coffee all over our camis and boxer shorts.

He breathes heavy and prances, and we are expected to ooh and ahh and congratulate him and tell him what a good boy he is and how smart and what a gentleman and isn't that a nice ball and you're a good boy.

They're exhausting, this dog and his ball.

Hive 12

Another summer trip to Logan Canyon.  I was alive and functioning but still pretty grief-y.  I was worried about getting trained up for the long relay in August, though, and when I'm with my writing Hive (Utah is the beehive state) we work and then we play.  So we made some hikes.

There were times I felt like I couldn't breathe, that my legs wouldn't work, that I might collapse in sadness and shame.

But my friends just accepted all of that, and we took one step at a time, and made it up the mountain.  We sat on a rock and took it in, able to look straight down into the canyon below.  It would have been so easy to fall.  But I didn't.

What is the meaning of this someone tell me please.

E, Mid-

I think he's holding one of my seaweed snacks there.  I'm sort of obsessed with them.  And with nuts.  And with slaw salads with rice vinegar, soy sauce, and sesame oil.  And fruit.  And hummus.

Good foods.

Good E.

LongTooth McFangyfang

You guys, Nolie lost her first tooth.

Well, sort of.

See, she was getting a big tooth growing up out of her gums but her little tooth hadn't fallen out yet.  So when we took her in for her dental check-up with the awesomely named Dr. Ngo (pronounced Dr. No!) who is also preternaturally cheerful, Dr. Ngo said they were going to have to pull that tooth out.

What the heck, Nolie.  We can't even see the double-tooth action in this shot.

They gave the Noles some laughing gas,

Yes, I am the weird mom always taking pictures of her children in their moments of greatest strife.

and they yanked the thing out.

Can I tell you I'm kind of grossed out?  Because they handed me the tooth and it is shaped like some sort of fang.  Like, it's twice as long as Addie's baby teeth were.  I checked when I got home and literally Nolie's tooth is twice as long as Addie's were.  LITERALLY.

I told my friend at work about it and he said that the root of Nolie's tooth just hadn't disintegrated like it was supposed to.  So now I'm very anxious that Nolie has a mouth full of stubborn roots that will never disintegrate and every tooth will have to get pulled and I'll have a collection of fangs.

Or the tooth fairy will.  Whatever.  You know what I mean.

Also, Nolie's lip looks gross in that picture.  What the hell.

I love kids but they are just totally like little beasts sometimes.